O Lucky Man!

In the lottery economy we have, I've won $117 million now in various sweepstakes, lotteries and even an exotic inheritance from a "distant relative" in Hong Kong. What's extradordinary is that these winnings have come via the phone and mail. No longer do I get the Nigerian-based scams about needing a bank account to deposit millions. Only recently, I did receive a plea via e-mail from a Libyan, whose funds were trapped in that country during the conflict.

The most intriguing winnings are those from Hong Kong. I receive a letter sent from Hong Kong on nice stationary. The "Christian, family man" informs me that one "Robert Colm" has died after years living as an expatriate in Hong Kong and he has left me, a long lost relative $50 million. Now the Chinese man informs me that he has excellent investment opportunities that if I sweeten the pot with some money of my own could multiply the inheritance manyfold. Another $15 million I won in a Hong Kong lottery,the notice of which also was printed on the same stationary as the nice "Christian, family man"'s.

Before my luck went West to Asia, I won another $15 million in a phone call from a Jamaican. The woman explained in her Caribbean lilt in great detail about how I won the money and how I had to send as "insurance" for the check several hundred dollars to Kingston, Jamaica to a man's name.

This was welcomed news since I had my share of Nigerian callers and even one from a call center in India. The most convincing callers were the white middle-aged males, who sounded like stock brokers. Maybe they were. All of them asked for "insurance "money before the check could be delivered.

When I beat one caller to the punch about how much the insurance fee was, he backed off and said that I was to meet him at the Federal Reserve Building in New York City where they had the check. I agreed and said I would take the train up to the city to get the money. He scrambled and then insisted on knowing when my reservation was. I told him I would phone him back and got the number. Needless to say he never responded.

So now I have two Mercedes, have won 14 cruises, vacations in Las Vegas, Mexico, Kiawah Island and buckets of cash. At this rate I would be as wealthy as Willard Romney in another month.

Thanksgiving came early this year. Just send me the "insurance fee".