No Intelligent Design in the Palmetto State

The first Republican debate was sponsored by Daddy Koch's John Birch Society and the Oathkeepers--which should tell you everything you want to know. The teabaggers held a rally beforehand where they accused Senator Lindsey Graham of being a pinko or some equivalent.

The Mad Sikh Nikki Haley, the female Luv Gov, was joined at the debate by the more famous Luv Gov Sanford, who had made it in from the Appalachian Trial for the occasion. Haley warned the candidates who stayed away that they would have to explain themselves to the voters. You see whoever wins the South Carolina primary wins the whole shooting match.

Buddy Roemer wasn't allowed to participate and Freddie Krueger, the openly gay candidate, was forced to tweet the debate from the balconey. The audience was fairly empty except for the Paultards, the boisterous supporters of Ron Paul's Love Revolution. Chris Wallace often looked behind him as he was moderating with annoyance.

Gary Johnson, the libertarian former Governor of New Mexico, lost the Gong Show becaue he is pro-choice and argued for legalizing marijuana. He also wanted to end all corporate taxes, which he said would create millions of jobs instantly. Gary also lost out because he was anti-torture.

Torture has become the new Republican wedge issue, separating the men from the boys. Ron Paul lost on this issue, saying he wanted to do away with the secret prisons as well as torture.

After the debate, Frank Luntz, the author of the GOP's talking point memo against healthcare reform, held a Focus Group, where the clear winner was Herman Cain, the creator of Godfather Pizza. Only 1 of his Focus Group went into the debate a Cain supporter. Luntz exclaimed that the results were the most remarkable in his 35 debates for Fox.

The Focus Group liked Herman Cain because he was articulate, had a well-defined plan and was not a politician but a straight-shooter. Sounds interesting, heh?

This is what Herman Cain actually said. On Afghanistan, he would consult with his experts and do whatever they told him. On DOMA, he said that not defending it in court was tantamount to treason. He would eliminate the IRS and place the United States back on the Gold Standard. He said that Government should get off the back of businessmen because business creates the jobs. He was interested in ending entitlement programs and adopting the Fair Tax. Now that's a plan.

Ron Paul, who just showed up in a CNN poll as the most competitive Republican against post-bin Laden Obama, argued to great cheers for a withdrawal from Afghanistan and the legalization of marijuana,cocaine and heroin. He argued that the role of government was to protect business from unions. he also would adopt the gold standard.

Number 2 in the Focus Group was Ole Frothy Mix Santorum. Santorum got the largest response on the applause-o-meter when he said that "Obamacare is the end of Freedom." In fact, it represented the greatest threat ever to our national security.

Asked by Chris Wallace about his remarks earlier in the week that Obama was making the United States less secure, Rick said that Obama's foreign policy only worked when he followed George W. Bush's master plan and when he was "on his own" like in Egypt and Libya, he failed.

Santorum said that eliminating all corporate taxes would create 10 million jobs instantly. He blamed feminists for women working and not staying home. And he took a shot at Mitch Daniels about a "truce on social issues" by saying that anyone who believes that just "doesn't understand what America is about."

Then Sean Hannity's favorite and the secret conservative favorite, Tim Pawlenty, Mr. Electric. Pawlenty has to introduce himself as a two term governor of Minnesota and had to explain ad nauseum about his many, many trips throughout the Middle East. He was trying to come off as Presidential by saying he would only torture on select, special occasions and he would invade Libya and overthrow Qaddafhi.

Chris Wallace ran an ad from year's past when Pawlenty supported Cap and Trade. Pawlenty apologized for having taken that position, which commentators said showed courage.

Pawlenty said that intelligent design could be taught in schools but this decision rested with local school districts and when asked whether he believed in evolution, he said it wasn't for him to say. He was asked to take a shot at Romneycare--which drew big Boos from the audience--but he wouldn't comment because Romney wasn't there to defend himself.

So we now know a couple of other constants to the new GOP's platform--eliminate corporate taxes and explictly adopt a program for torture. So we have anti-choice,anti-evolution,anti-women,anti-gay marriage and anti-taxes as the new mainstays.

Why do we think the debates will get any better when Newt and Callista enter the fray next week? Fox News has allegedly given Mike Huckabee to shit or get off the pot by the end of May.

The GOP pundits are sensing that Romney is doomed because of his healthcare in Massachusetts so you'll see Pawlenty's name gratuitously show up in columns on anything. He's the escape hatch for formerly mainstream Republicans. But what happens when conservatives recall that all those foreign trips were with John McCain, who is not exactly the darling of the teabaggers and now the most unpopular Senator?

Matt Taibibi has written about Pawlenty that he has heard Pawlenty speak several times and still doesn't know what he believes or remembers a word he has said. Some say that is precisely his strategy.

One last note--during the disasterous townhall meetings Republicans were having over recess, the John Birch Society was out in force, especially in the Northeast, putting out fliers that Communists and Move-On were disrupting them. Communists? Really.